Claiming our physical bodies
On Thursday, November 26, 2015, I was reading an article in the St. Petersburg Edition of the Tampa Tribune. An article on page 24 was written by Lisa Leff and Jennifer C. Kerr of the Associated Press and was entitled “Communication key: understanding ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ The article was about the “new look of high school sex education.” It is an attempt to teach boys and girls that no means no and yes means yes if communicated when awake, sober/not under the influence and “can clearly state their willingness to participate …”(in a sexual act). I was struck by a quote which was a question asked by Valerie Huber, president of Ascent, formerly called the National Abstinence Education Association. She said, “This discussion is getting reduced to a palliation rather than a solution.” Although I strongly suspect that Ms. Huber and I would disagree about the core issues, I do agree that just telling teenagers to be clear that both partners are able to make an informed decision and have done so, may be addressing the symptoms and not the core issue of what it means to be a sexual human being. Certainly I agree that it is imperative that we teach young people how to make informed decisions about activities which can result in a wonderful shared experience, but which can also result in a pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease, or a lifetime of guilt if one has been raised to believe that we humans can and must reserve the sharing of a sexual relation only when we are ready to conceive a child by having missionary style intercourse with a person of the opposite gender.
Even with more enlightened times in some parts of the world, young people are often not taught how to enjoy and celebrate their sexuality while still making decisions which honor any possible outcome of a sexual encounter or relationship with another human. I am thrilled that in Ireland and the United States marriage between same and opposites gender people is now legal. This is a huge advancement towards acceptance of the reality that most of we humans are born with a physical body which is meant to move (more limited ways for some) from the core outwards. That movement, if honored and nurtured, is sensual, expressive, fluid, powerful and, yes, sexual.
The important question is how do we invite young people to claim their sensuality and their sexuality in a way which will embody the right to say “no.” Surely it is not enough to tell them to set boundaries as a way of honoring one’s personal needs and values. We must invite young people to another level of celebration of the spirit which is the essence of who they are. What is spirit one might ask? Spirit is that sense of internal connection when one can “feel” the cells, the blood, the electrical impulses all gearing up this passionate dance. As it travels around the body it gains momentum and, at some point, it reaches a crescendo and connects with all that is normally considered external. I also recently listened to a 2013 interview by Krista Tippett with the Idigo Girls, Amy Ray and Emily Sailers. Mrs. Sailers talks about this movement when she attempt to describe the dance of the African American worship community:
“MS. SALIERS: Well, I was going to say, like, my dad worked on sort of the newer Methodist hymnal, and there’s a hymn in there with Duke Ellington, “Come Sunday.” And we grew up in a very staid — all the hymns were — you could sort of picture white people sitting straight up. And I have nothing against white people, but for me, always, it was gospel music that like — especially African-American gospel music — that really was the direct conduit to me in the spirit that I felt moved my life and my actions. And it involved movement of the body. It was sensual because, I don’t know, I sort of feel like, generally speaking, when people get all in their heads, it blocks the spirit, because spirit is not mental. It’s spirit.”
Ms. Saliers later talks about a similar experience in smoky bars She says:
“But in those days, when we were playing in bars, I mean — and my dad and I talked about this a lot — that is a spiritual experience. And I know the word “spiritual” gets used a lot, and maybe we don’t even know exactly what it means anymore, or I don’t. But it was a feeling that people who were very different from each other were all welcome together, very little judgment going on, as I recall, just a hootenanny of people’s bolstering each other’s spirits through music. And that’s, if that’s not spiritual, I don’t know what is.”
That, in my mind, perfectly describes that internal and external coming together. It is within this context that we can learn to embrace the totality of this energy which, at times, will also be experienced as sensual and sexual. If anyone has ever danced with a ballet troupe, danced with another professional dance group, danced with a group of people in a dance bar or disco, sang for fun in a social or even professional setting, or been passionately involved in a sporting event, one has felt that rush of excitement when one is totally present/totally connected with one’s entire being and with the company/troupe/audience group. That experience can be very sensual and even at times erotic. It is wonderful. The moment when it all comes together – so to speak – can be positively orgasmic. This does not mean that we want to have a genital sexual experience with whatever or whomever. Even though we are discovering that more of us are fluid in our erotic attraction, most of us will continue to have a preference for direct physical, genital sexual contact with another person.
What I am suggesting is that it is not enough to tell we humans that we cannot - at any age – just say no to our erotic feelings or suddenly in the midst of what began as an very mutually consensual sexual experience just stop. Obviously, that will work some of the time, but often it will not work, especially if the only time we embrace and claim that passionate need to connect is when we are with another person who has agreed to be with us but then needs, for whatever reason, to say halt.
We humans seem to have a very basic need to connect with others in a passionate way. Ms. Ray and Ms. Saliers talk about the role of music is accessing that passion within for connecting and taking care of each other. Whether it is in the context of worship, fighting for social justice, or coming together in a smoky bar, we must give ourselves permission to own and express that passion. In some bars, some social justice gatherings, raves, come concerts, and in some churches we are invited to fully own and share our passion - the passion which includes our sexual energy. All too often, we relegate the expression of that energy – that passion – to contact sporting events, direct sexual encounters, and the occasional opportunity to dance or sing. Perhaps as we conservative, proper white people become a minority in the United States, we will, as a culture, expand our dance to the classroom, the streets, and possibly even the churches. Even then if we do so while condemning or lying about the erotic and sensual feelings, we will continue to pretend as if we can be together erotically and stop at any moment.
When I am working for/with individuals who seem to have a sexual addition – an obsessive need to connect with other sexually even when attempting to satisfy this need interferes with other parts of their lives – is that it is important to invite them to explore what keeps them from connecting more closely with themselves and others emotionally. Once they have begun to claim the emotional part of themselves and emotional closeness with others they then have to make peace with the erotic part of themselves. The have tried to make the sexual part of themselves be their sole caretaker. The sexual part of them has been assigned the task of pretending as if they could make the person feel okay or be healthy emotionally, spiritually, physically, and sexually. That is unrealistic and not a friendly relationship with one’s genitals. There is not a healthy emotional connection with that part of oneself. It is not that they have a too close relationship with their genitals despite their constant obsession with them. They have a very dissociative relationship with them. A part of the healing process is to reclaim that part of themselves.
In other words, we are whole human beings. We are emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual. If we fail to honor any part of ourselves we will get off balanced and find ourselves behaving in way which are not consistent with our values - with whom we want to be.
All too often in our culture we use sexuality and we teach individuals to use their sexuality to substitute for closeness and then punish those same individuals for focusing on being overly focused on the sexual part of a relationship.
This does not seem to be working well. Why, I wonder, is that such a surprise?
Written November 28, 2015
On Thursday, November 26, 2015, I was reading an article in the St. Petersburg Edition of the Tampa Tribune. An article on page 24 was written by Lisa Leff and Jennifer C. Kerr of the Associated Press and was entitled “Communication key: understanding ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ The article was about the “new look of high school sex education.” It is an attempt to teach boys and girls that no means no and yes means yes if communicated when awake, sober/not under the influence and “can clearly state their willingness to participate …”(in a sexual act). I was struck by a quote which was a question asked by Valerie Huber, president of Ascent, formerly called the National Abstinence Education Association. She said, “This discussion is getting reduced to a palliation rather than a solution.” Although I strongly suspect that Ms. Huber and I would disagree about the core issues, I do agree that just telling teenagers to be clear that both partners are able to make an informed decision and have done so, may be addressing the symptoms and not the core issue of what it means to be a sexual human being. Certainly I agree that it is imperative that we teach young people how to make informed decisions about activities which can result in a wonderful shared experience, but which can also result in a pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease, or a lifetime of guilt if one has been raised to believe that we humans can and must reserve the sharing of a sexual relation only when we are ready to conceive a child by having missionary style intercourse with a person of the opposite gender.
Even with more enlightened times in some parts of the world, young people are often not taught how to enjoy and celebrate their sexuality while still making decisions which honor any possible outcome of a sexual encounter or relationship with another human. I am thrilled that in Ireland and the United States marriage between same and opposites gender people is now legal. This is a huge advancement towards acceptance of the reality that most of we humans are born with a physical body which is meant to move (more limited ways for some) from the core outwards. That movement, if honored and nurtured, is sensual, expressive, fluid, powerful and, yes, sexual.
The important question is how do we invite young people to claim their sensuality and their sexuality in a way which will embody the right to say “no.” Surely it is not enough to tell them to set boundaries as a way of honoring one’s personal needs and values. We must invite young people to another level of celebration of the spirit which is the essence of who they are. What is spirit one might ask? Spirit is that sense of internal connection when one can “feel” the cells, the blood, the electrical impulses all gearing up this passionate dance. As it travels around the body it gains momentum and, at some point, it reaches a crescendo and connects with all that is normally considered external. I also recently listened to a 2013 interview by Krista Tippett with the Idigo Girls, Amy Ray and Emily Sailers. Mrs. Sailers talks about this movement when she attempt to describe the dance of the African American worship community:
“MS. SALIERS: Well, I was going to say, like, my dad worked on sort of the newer Methodist hymnal, and there’s a hymn in there with Duke Ellington, “Come Sunday.” And we grew up in a very staid — all the hymns were — you could sort of picture white people sitting straight up. And I have nothing against white people, but for me, always, it was gospel music that like — especially African-American gospel music — that really was the direct conduit to me in the spirit that I felt moved my life and my actions. And it involved movement of the body. It was sensual because, I don’t know, I sort of feel like, generally speaking, when people get all in their heads, it blocks the spirit, because spirit is not mental. It’s spirit.”
Ms. Saliers later talks about a similar experience in smoky bars She says:
“But in those days, when we were playing in bars, I mean — and my dad and I talked about this a lot — that is a spiritual experience. And I know the word “spiritual” gets used a lot, and maybe we don’t even know exactly what it means anymore, or I don’t. But it was a feeling that people who were very different from each other were all welcome together, very little judgment going on, as I recall, just a hootenanny of people’s bolstering each other’s spirits through music. And that’s, if that’s not spiritual, I don’t know what is.”
That, in my mind, perfectly describes that internal and external coming together. It is within this context that we can learn to embrace the totality of this energy which, at times, will also be experienced as sensual and sexual. If anyone has ever danced with a ballet troupe, danced with another professional dance group, danced with a group of people in a dance bar or disco, sang for fun in a social or even professional setting, or been passionately involved in a sporting event, one has felt that rush of excitement when one is totally present/totally connected with one’s entire being and with the company/troupe/audience group. That experience can be very sensual and even at times erotic. It is wonderful. The moment when it all comes together – so to speak – can be positively orgasmic. This does not mean that we want to have a genital sexual experience with whatever or whomever. Even though we are discovering that more of us are fluid in our erotic attraction, most of us will continue to have a preference for direct physical, genital sexual contact with another person.
What I am suggesting is that it is not enough to tell we humans that we cannot - at any age – just say no to our erotic feelings or suddenly in the midst of what began as an very mutually consensual sexual experience just stop. Obviously, that will work some of the time, but often it will not work, especially if the only time we embrace and claim that passionate need to connect is when we are with another person who has agreed to be with us but then needs, for whatever reason, to say halt.
We humans seem to have a very basic need to connect with others in a passionate way. Ms. Ray and Ms. Saliers talk about the role of music is accessing that passion within for connecting and taking care of each other. Whether it is in the context of worship, fighting for social justice, or coming together in a smoky bar, we must give ourselves permission to own and express that passion. In some bars, some social justice gatherings, raves, come concerts, and in some churches we are invited to fully own and share our passion - the passion which includes our sexual energy. All too often, we relegate the expression of that energy – that passion – to contact sporting events, direct sexual encounters, and the occasional opportunity to dance or sing. Perhaps as we conservative, proper white people become a minority in the United States, we will, as a culture, expand our dance to the classroom, the streets, and possibly even the churches. Even then if we do so while condemning or lying about the erotic and sensual feelings, we will continue to pretend as if we can be together erotically and stop at any moment.
When I am working for/with individuals who seem to have a sexual addition – an obsessive need to connect with other sexually even when attempting to satisfy this need interferes with other parts of their lives – is that it is important to invite them to explore what keeps them from connecting more closely with themselves and others emotionally. Once they have begun to claim the emotional part of themselves and emotional closeness with others they then have to make peace with the erotic part of themselves. The have tried to make the sexual part of themselves be their sole caretaker. The sexual part of them has been assigned the task of pretending as if they could make the person feel okay or be healthy emotionally, spiritually, physically, and sexually. That is unrealistic and not a friendly relationship with one’s genitals. There is not a healthy emotional connection with that part of oneself. It is not that they have a too close relationship with their genitals despite their constant obsession with them. They have a very dissociative relationship with them. A part of the healing process is to reclaim that part of themselves.
In other words, we are whole human beings. We are emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual. If we fail to honor any part of ourselves we will get off balanced and find ourselves behaving in way which are not consistent with our values - with whom we want to be.
All too often in our culture we use sexuality and we teach individuals to use their sexuality to substitute for closeness and then punish those same individuals for focusing on being overly focused on the sexual part of a relationship.
This does not seem to be working well. Why, I wonder, is that such a surprise?
Written November 28, 2015
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